Wednesday, June 11, 2008


I was born in a family which declared themselves as an Orthodox by faith( religion), and my father was a Comunist-atheist. Nevrtheless, the most suitable epithet for my family would be faithless and far away from a real faith and far away from God.I grew up in circumstances where there was no talk about God, or very rarely we mentoioned Him, and even these conversations would be meaningless.As I was still a baby, my grandmother insisted that I was baptised, not that they were very "godly", but because, such was "the custom", in order to protect the child from evil spirits and other superstitious reasons.... I remember, when I was a little girl, my grandmother took me to take my first Communion, and took me to take Communiona couple of times afrtewards, because some people told her that a child is supposed to take Holy communion. But when I gew up a little more I continued taking Holy Communion and they let me do that every now and then. I remember,though, when I was at the age of 7-8, or 9, I fasted for 40 days for a certain holiday, in order to take Communion (such was the custom) and when a couple of days before the Communion, a lady gave me some grapes, and when the priest heard it (that I had eaten grapes before Communion), he didn`t let me take Communion, because "You are not allowed to eat grapes before Communion"-he said. It was a terrible dissapointment for my heart as I was still a child and I assumed that it wasn`t fair for me to fast 40 days as an adult, and it was very hot ( summer time), and they didn`t allow me to take part in this for me (although I didn`t very much understand then, but still) holy and special moment. A little bit later, when I was about 9-10, I started thinking about the existance of God; I was asking myself whether there was or there wasn`t God. I was wondering what He is like, if there is... what the sense of existance is and similar questions.I finally concluded that there must be God, otherwise it would be impossible that all the world arround me would be created on its own, that the sky and the stars had to be created by someone, and everything around me. And if there was God, I was late to respect Him and that I had made a lot of mistakes (and I was only ten). I thought there was no going back for me and that I would finish in Hell. I cried a lot then. I cried of fear, of the thought of death and about what is going to be next. So from that day on I decided to be a good girl for God, so He might be merciful to me...and that meant that I had to keep the ten Commandnments, to pray according to the prayers I had learnt from the Orthodox calendar, because that was the only way I could `nourish my faith`, because I had nobody to teach me what to do, and for me the Bible was a book only the reach people could have.....So, I became very religious,a situation the Evil used and took me so far away from the truth, manipulating me with showing me `saints` who lead me into bigger ang bigger deceipt. But, even those not many things I learnt were difficult to follow and live.

I lived in a family where the pain, sorrow, cry, fights and shouting, crashing and abuse were very common, and origined from my father who was an alchoholic.... Laugh, song and joy, was very strongly forbidden in that family. No one, not me, nor my mother or my brother were allowed to go somewhere, not even go out in our garden until my father was out, or if he found us when he would come back home we would suffer very much. I didn`t have any friends in my childhood, nor anyone close after that. The only thing I was allowed to do, were the activities connected with the school and some cultural clubs, so I used them to maximum and was a member to all school activities, and then I was attending The Dorm Of Cultural Events, drama clubs, arts, literature... and all that in order to be away from home, away from that unbearable atmosphere.

And when I was home, all the time available I had I used to spend with my only friends-the books... All these things lead me not to be understood by my friends at my age, nor did I understand them-I was still a child, and I was like an adult! My peer friends started avoiding me completely, because as they would say "I studied a lot", and I would go "astray."..All that made me not feel an adult with the adults, nor young with the youngsters. For the adults,I was a `perfect `child: well brought up, smart, with `all best marks`and all these comments made my friends jealous, and they had reason to hate me. And, yet I didn`t enjoy being etiquetted with the adults` praises, because it just deepend the differences between me and my friends.... So I decided to be like `the others`, like my friends-I started to go out at nights, to smoke, drink.....And all that lead me to something contrary to what I expected it to be... Emilija got an etiquette of being bad.... When I was `good`, they didn`t like it, I was like the others- they didn`t like it, either. I was more and more grieved and desperate....Problems at home, peer rejection, and my health was in worse and worse condition ever (I had problems with my heart). I started hating my life...I said to myself:" If there is a hell, surely it is not as scareful as this one I live in- I decided to commit a suicide.

One night I prepared the tablets I was taking for my heart (about 20) and a huge amount of sedatives...I thought, I would simply fall asleep, and wouldn`t wake up the other day....And, that night was THE night, the greatest night in my life (when the old Emilija died and a new one was born)!

And while I was waiting for my family to fall asleep, so they don`t destroy my plan, I turned the TV on, and I saw the movie of Jesus, with the Gospel message, which, I thought `somebody` created just for me... That night I finally understood who Jesus was and why He was crucified and He died for me. I accepted Him THAT night (November 1999) as my God and my Saviour....My life changed that very night-but I didn`t know why,I didn`t even realise what I did that night. I didn`t have fellowship with anybody( didn`t even know such people existed) and the Bible was too expensive and I couldn`t even afford it. But, thanks God, He is a God who takes care of everything; Only after one month I met Oliver( now my husband) who started talking to me about God and teach me from the Gospel,and also, he gave me the first new Testament.

We grew up in our faith together, we held each other and studied the Word and together we experienced everything God did in our lives. After 3 months, God cured my heart, set me free from the medicaments addiction and from fear. He did a lot of miracles which brought me closer and closer to Him. Even after a year we understood that there were other believers like we were, and from 30th September 2000 we became members of the Evangelical church.

And from that night onwards God has done a lot of miracles in our lives(now common life)...And the only thing we want is to be tools in His hands.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Imav edinaeset-dvanaeset godini koga prvpat na son mi se javi edna stara `ena, so zbr~kano lice, kako banica, so iskriveni i istro{eni zabi, zamotana so crna {amija i be{e oble~ena vo dolg crn fustan. Iako toa be{e samo son jas mnogu se ispla{iv, za{to `enata izgleda{e mnogu stra{no... Se se}avam deka sakav da tr~am, da pobegnam, ama nozete mi bea skameneti i ne mo`ev da se pomrdnam... @enata mi re~e da ne se pla{am, za{to ~esto }e se gledame i dru`ime, za{to taa bila Sv. Petka i imala zada~a za mene...
Toa be{e prviot kontakt so lice koe mi se pretstavi za svetec i koja ka`a deka nejzinoto ime e Sv. Petka, a potoa mnogu ~esto mi doa|a{e vo moite soni{ta, no ponatamu sekoga{ vo prisustvo na eden starec, i toj oble~en vo crna obleka i so crna kapa, no toj ne be{e tolku stra{en, pa pokraj nego so starata `ena se ~uvstvuvav pobezbedno... Toj se pretsavi kako Sv. Pantelejmon...
Kako {to rekov mnogu ~esto mi se javuvaa vo moite sni, (nekolku pati i na jave) i me {etaa (toga{ mi se ~ine{e kako da stanuvav od krevet i dekaa odam navistina) po planini i gori i mi poka`uvaa mnogu tajni i mnogu ne{ta za koi vo ova izlagawa ne sakam mnogu da zboruvam, no }e se koncentriram na drugi ne{ta od moite dru`ewa so ovie taka samonare~eni svetci...
Zo{to mi se javuvaa... ?
Mi rekoa deka sum izbrana za golema zada~a, deka golemi dela treba da napravam dodeka sum na zemjata, a tie }e bidat moi za{titnici i voda~i. Me|u mnogute ne{ta {to mi gi ka`uva bea i mesta kade {to, navodno, ima skrieno skapceni kamewa i mi ka`uvaa koe mesto kakva kletva ima i koe bogatstvo za {to e nameneto... Na edno mesto me odvedoa i mi poka`aa deka ima tri kov~ega so zlato i mi rekoa deka so edniot treba manastir da napravam, drugite na lu|e hrana i obleka da davam, a tretiot spored ona kako }e me sovetuva sovesta... I mi poka`a edna reki~ka od koja mi dadoa da se izmijam i mi rekoa deka }e bidam izle~ena, (bev mnogu bolna i imav srcevi problemi, vospaleni sinusi i dr.) a potoa deka i drugi }e sum le~ela preku taa voda...
Im gi ka`av ovie ne{ta na moite roditeli, ama majak mi ne mi veruva{e... No seto toa se povtoruva{e i me izma~uvaa mnogu na son. I ka`av na baba mi, a taa mi re~e da odime kaj bliskoto manastir~e do seloto na baba mi i da zapaleme sve}i pa mo`ebi }e me ostavat na mira.
I koga otidovme tamu, mene celata okolina mi be{e mnogu poznata, iako prv pat bev tamu... Koga otidov zad manastirot - tamu be{e reki~kata od sonot... Gi gledav ikonite {to bea vo manastirot i toga{ na dve ikoni gi vidov lu|eto koi mi se javuvaa i ì ka`av na baba mi, a taa mi ka`a deka toa se Sv. Petka i Sv. Pantelejmon...
Zapaliv sve}i, se zamiv od vodi~kata od reki~kata i si otidovme... Navistina potoa malku mi be{e podobro, nemav srcevi napadi i nemav glavobolki, a i ne mi se javuvaa nekoe vreme i “svetiite”.
No, ne mina mnogu vreme, koga mojata zdravstvena situacija stana u{te polo{a od pprethodnata, imv pove}e srcevi napadi, skoro sekoj den mi be{e mnogu lo{o... A i po~naa povtorno da mi se javuvaat takanare~enite svetci i bea u{te postrogi i mi velea deka moram da im bidam poslu{na, deka se oni bo`ji lu|e i deka onii ke me blagoslovat i }e mi dadat nekoi sposobnosti.
Navistna po~nav da imam nekoi ~udni idei... ! Eden den gi zemav kartite i po~av da gi otvaram i po~nav vo vizija da gledam nekoi raboti od minato i idnina. Ja pra{av majka mi dali sakam da ì gledam {to }e ì se slu~i vo idninata. Majka mi toa go sfati kako na {ala i ne mi veruva{e deka mo`am stvarno da ì gledam. I se se}avam deka toa be{e prvpat koga po~nav da gleda na karti (iako nikoga{ porano nemav nau~eno, nikoj me nema{e nau~eno, a i ne gledav po nekoi znaci od kartite, tuku gledav vo vizija mnogu raboti za li~nosta na koja i gledav, a brojkite od kartite gi koristev samo kako pomo{ {to da i ka`am na li~nosta na koja i gledav od toa {to go gledav vo vizija), ama toa ne be{e i posleden pat, tuku nekolku godini kako na {ala” gledav na mnogu lu|e. Kako {to spomnav malku porano nemav nau~eno od nikoj i nikoga{ kako da go pravam toa, a ima{e duri I nekoj strogi pravila kako da go pravam toa; kako na primer mo`ev da gledam za minatotoa na lu|eto, za nivnata idnina i sega{nost (bliska idnina - nekoku nedeli) i ne smeev da gledam odedna{ da gledam na edna ista li~nost za site tri raboti (idnina, minao i sega{nost), navodno }e imalo nekakov problem, i ne smeev da gledam na pove}e od trojca vo isti den. Od kade gi znaev ovie raboti? Koj mi gi ka`al ovie pravila? Od kade na mene smrtnik, takva sposobnost? Kako nekoj da gi programiral vo mene site ovie raboti. Jas bev ubedena deka toa mi e posebna darba od Bog za{to bev ubedena deka navistina kontaktiram so bozji lu|e i deka navistina Bog mi dal takva sposobnost... A ne ni znaev dali toa e navistina taka. Mo`ebi nekoj }e re~e deka jas sum si gi izmislila tie raboti... Jas po~nav na {ala da gledam, ama nekoi lu|e se vra}aa kaj mene da mi ka`at deka navistina se ispolnile mnogu raboti {to sum im ka`ala, pa doa|aa povtorno da im gledam barem za sega{nost, (za{to ne smeev da gledam pove}e od edna{ za idnina i minato). A edna{ gledav na dvanaeset lu|e (a ne smeev da gledam na pove}e od dvajca !), pa potoa padnav vo besoznanie, se ~uvstvvuvav kako nekoj da ja iscrpi celata moja sila.
Ne samo {to gledav na karti, no po~nav da gledam i na kafe (pak nikoj ne me ima{e nau~eno !) i po~nav da bajam od razni raboti (i pak nikoj me nema{e nau~eno !), no ne mi be{e ~udno kako mo`am da gi pravam tie raboti za{to bev sigurna deka toa go pravam so bo`ja sila, deka mi se site tie raboti dar od bog. Site ovie raboti gi pravev “javno”, ama samo za lu|e koi gi poznavav ili mi bea bliski i za tie raboti ne barav nikoga{ ni{to za vozvrat.
I dodeka se slu`uvaa site ovie raboti, jas ne `iveev nekoj posfeten hristijanski `ivot, ne ni znaev kako treba da se `ivee po Bo`ja volja, `iveev gre{en `ivot. Sveto Pismo nikoga{ nemav nitu videno, a ne pak da sum ~itala. Moite roditeli nikoga{ ne odele vo crkva i tie ni{to ne znaeja za verata. A jas ne samo {to ni{to ne znaev za verata i Bog, duri i se somnevav, ponekoga{, dali Bog postoi. Ako ne Go poznavav Bog, ako nemav li~na komunikacija so Bog toga{ kako Toj bi mo`el da mi dade takvi darovi, za koi jas toga{ mislev deka Toj mi gi dal. Duri i ne znaev dali pratvam dpbro ili lo{o so toa {to gledav na karti, na kafe i baev.
A mojot `ivot be{e haos ! @iveev vo mnogu problemati~no semejstvo, vo koe mi bea nepoznato poimi kako radost, quvov, pesna, no dobro znaev {to e bolka, pla~ i bolka. I ne samo toa, tuku bev fizi~ki bolna i postojano bev po doktori i piev po desetina vida tableti, no i duhovno bev izma~uvana. Sekoja ve~er koga }e si legnev slu{av ~ekori iako nikoj nema{e vo sobata, potoa po~nav da slu{am di{ewe i kako tropa ~asovnik iako nema{e nikoj vo sobata i iako nema{e ~asovnik da tropa. ^uvstvuvav u`asen strav i se molev na Petka i Panetelejmon da me za{titat i da prestane di{eeto i tropaweto na ~asovnikot (nikoga{ ne mi teknuva{e da se molam na Bog i Isus Hristos) i nikako ne prestanuva{e toa. Mi se ~ine{e deka ke poludam ili deka }e umram od strav. ^esto ke otr~av so pla~ewe vo sobata na moite roditeli i }e ja povikav majka mi, a taa ni{to ne slu{a{e. Nikoga{ ne mo`ev da spijam ve~erno vreme, sekoga{ zaspivav nautro koga }e po~ne{e da izgreva sonceto. Piev jaki tableti za spiewe, ama i tie ne mi pomaga. Imav stra{en nemir i strav, mi se ~ine{e deka `ivejam vo pekol.
I eden den, vsu{nost edna ve~er, koga ve}e mi be{e dojdeno se preku glava, koga izgubiv i volja za `ivot i sakav da si go prekinam `ivotot, gledav eden film za Isus Hristos i sfativ zo{to umrel Toj, zo{to bil raspnat na krst -–poradi mene i sekoj ~ovek na ovaa planeta, za{to sme site nie gre{ni, za da ne zagine nitu eden no da ima `ivot ve~en. Sfativ deka moite problei i te{kotii se predizvikani vsu{nost od grevot i satanata. Sfativ deka i jas sum gre{na i deka mi dreba pokajanie za moite grevovi i prifa}awe na Isus Hristos kako moj li~en Gospod i Spasitel za{to Toj umrel i voskresnal i jas ne moram da pla}am za moite grevovi, no Toj mi davava sloboda od niv. Taa ve~er go predadaov mojot `ivot na Isus ! I po~nav da se molam sekoj den na Bog Tatkoto vo imeto na Isus Hristos, a nabrgu dobiv i Sveto Pismo i po~nav da go ~itam i tamu najdov deka seto toa {to go pravev porano bilo zlo vo o~ite na Bog, za{to na Nego mu se odvratni baja~ite i gata~ite i tie nema da vlezat vo Bo`joto carstvo. Toga{ go zamoliv Bog da mi prosti za toa {to sum go pravela toa i zatoa {to i drugi lu|e sum navela na grev, za{to Bo`joto Slovo veli deka na Bog mu se odvratni i tie koi odat kaj gleda~i i baja~i i veruvam deka mi prositl, za{to jas pobarav pro{ka ne zatoa {to sum zaslu`ila, no poradi toa {to Isus umrel i voskresnal i so toa go otplatil sekoj grev i go pobedil satanata i smrtta. No ponatamu od Svetoto Pismo nau~iv i deka samonare~enite svetci koi mi se javuvaa ne se navistina svetci, za{to e nevozmo`no mrtvov ~ovek da se vrati na zemjata i mrtvite ne mo`at da kontaktiraat so `ivite, ama |avolot mo`e da se pojavuva i kako angel na svetlina i kako angel na temnina.
Otkako go prifativ Isus Hristos kako moj li~en Gospod i Spasitel i otkako po~nav da ja ~itam Bibijata, mojot `ivot se promeni sosema. Ve}e nemav sposobnsot da gledam i da bajam, ve}e ne se se}avam na ni{to. Ama prestanaa i da mi se javuvaat stra{nite i mre~ni taka samoimenuvani Petka i Pantelejmon, ama prestanaa i no}nite ko{mari – ve}e ne tropa ~asovnik, ne slu{am ~ekori po sobata i ne slu{am ne~ie di{ewe, koga nema nikoj so mene vo sobata. Ve}e nemam strav i imam ~udesen, neobjasliv Bo`ji mir i sekoga{ koga }e si legnam brzo zaspivam, a ne nautro koga }e po~ne da se razdenuva. A i ne samo toa, tuku po kratko vreme molitva do Bog Tatkoto vo ime na Isus Hristos bev iscelena od srcevata mana i sekoja druga bolest i ve}e do den denes ne zemam tableti, osven antibiotici koga }e se nastinam. I imam radost, ~udesna radost koja sakam da ja spodelam so sekoj, pa i so tebe drag ~itatelu, radost, vistinska radost koja doa}a samo od Bog zatoa {to moite grevovi se prosteni i deka e Toj Moj Gospod, Spasitel, Tatko, Prijatel i deka znam deka toj se gri`i za sekoja moja potreba i vo Negovi race e mojata idnina i {to Toj mi dade sloboda od site tie raboti za koi pi{uvav pogore, a koi za mene bea vistinsko ropstvo i izma~uvawe. I veruvaj mi nikoj baja` i gleda~ ne e od Bog, za{to tie mu se odvratni na Nego, no i tie samite ne znaat i se vo zabluda (kako {to i jas porano {to ne znaev i bev vo zabluda), no i drugi vodat vo zabluda (kako {to i jas neznaej}i la`ev mnogu lu|e) i imaat stra{ni izma~uvawa i nemir.
Vistinata e samo vo Bog i vo Negovito Zbor Svetoto Pismo -Biblija, ako ne mi veruva{ ISPITAJ - ~itaj ja Biblijata, toa neka bide moj zavr{en zbor i moj apel do tebe drag ~itatelu.